10.24.16

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10/24/16

9:09pm

I am a total, 100% utter failure today and that’s ok! 

I realized this. What is failure? We must assign it a meaning and then decide if that is positive or negative and then does that make the thing we are trying to identify desirable or undesirable. And there to me is where we lead ourselves astray. It’s not black or white here. Desirable or undesirable. Good. Bad. We invented that. Whatever it is, it just is. 

I did not complete a task I set up for myself today and thus I failed. And I failed on numerous levels. I had plenty of time to complete it, roughly three weeks! I procrastinated. I also have many irons in the fire right now, so I’m inevitably going to fail at keeping them all hot at the same time. Time management – Fail! Completed task – Fail! Organized schedule – Fail! Getting to places on time – Fail! Communicating effectively with my boyfriend about my feelings around this without seeming like an irate psycho – Fail!

And…so what? I can now assess what different steps to take moving forward. All of my experiences in this life: good, bad, desirable, undesirable, they are all necessary. And there’s no cause to wrap my head further around it.

As I said in a text to my boyfriend, later, when I could articulate more effectively: 

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“I’m not actually mad…just anxious and upset while also not being upset. If I wasn’t anxious and upset absolutely nothing would get done. That’s how I feel right now. And being anxious and upset isn’t even bad. It just is. There’s no need to make anything better. …Sometimes I just need to act insane for awhile, that’s all. Since I’m trying to be better than I currently am at everything – I’m simultaneously failing. So I get overwhelmed and act insane but I’m fine.”

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He didn’t answer. But I knew he understood. As I had said, there is no need to make anything better. So we left it alone. And here I am accomplishing this Daily post. Failure and all. 

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