Sometimes I go into myself. Retreat a bit and reflect. This time I found myself relentlessly watching a crime drama, episode after episode. As a writer and actress, this is also good studying; as per the development of a series, its characters, and watching the actors handle emotional arcs, etc. But, as I’ve experienced before during marathon watching, I am now somewhat repulsed by the world I have chosen to watch. I think to myself, I want no part of that. As well as, my life isn’t wrapped up in all that, Thank God. Or, Christ, this is what people think is important and thrilling, even enviable! Yet, I watch the next episode all the same. And it is all the same. I wish the characters could see outside of their self imposed drama to the larger picture of life.
That’s interesting, isn’t it? Sitting inside, watching someone else’s drama play out, wishing they could see their own picture more clearly. It’s been an interesting reflection on what constitutes entertainment. Something real enough to be believed, but not consequenced in our “actual” life. This often involves, pain, sadness, manipulation and violence. I am repulsed and want no part of it, yet I sit down and watch it. It reminds me of when I looked at the slide of my own leukemia cells under a microscope as a child. This is what my illness looks like, I thought to myself. So, this is what is killing me. And yes, it really was quite entertaining.